i saw jeff mangum live in concert last week, october 9th. in the middle of his hit song “fetus shit” he looked at me, directly in the eyes it was. it felt as though the music had stopped, as though he laid down his guitar, and it was so. he climbed off the stage and pushed through the crowd, just to see me, just to look at me more intimately. then, he took five bucks out of his pocket and handed it to me.
“thanks for coming,” he said, before kissing me on the forehead and returning to his position on stage. needless to say, i got laid almost seven times that night.
* * *
i saw ke$ha live at a jeff mangum concert last week, obtockber 1299th. they were playing together as a part of their new fusion tour, “fuck haters, get money, express your emotional spectrum through music”. in the middle of jeff mangum’s guitar solo, ke$ha began violently vomiting from her vagina in all directions, even on jeff mangum himself. it felt as though the music had stopped, becuase it had. ke$ha’s vaginal cocoa juice had splurted all over the stage, the smell a mixture of tequila and colombian prime-cut cocaine, causing every musician on stage to simeltaneously shit themselves in disgust. jeff mangum climbed off the stage and pushed the crowd aside, looked into my eyes, inched only a few centimeters away from my face and whispered intimately into my ear “you are the vessel”. one hand holding his guitar, jeff swooped me into his other hand in one motion, and threw me at ke$ha’s venus semen trap. her vaginal lips opened to their maximum capacity and swallowed me in one gulp. ke$ha’s damp snatch dentata, now satisfied, closed its gaping mouth and returned under her ill-fitting skirt. the music resumed and jeff mangum got back on stage, as the janitors cleaned up the mess for the fourth time that night.
i opened my eyes and i was surrounding by goombas. it appeared ke$ha’s vagina was one of the cave levels in mario 64. one of the really long, annoying maze levels with the sparsely placed save points and the endless pits that kill you instantly.